Vincent and OH HELL NO!
by Alurax
Summary: crack fic crack fic lala-lalala la-la *dancesincircles* come on, read it... ya know ya want to


_dear God, someone punish me for what i'm about to do with these characters that i don't even own_

--

It was a complete accident. He didn't mean to walk in on him. The lock on the bathroom door was broken, and it was difficult to hear the water running with the door closed. So there was no way of knowing anyone was in there.

He wanted to forget, but there was no way of getting that image out of his head. That slim pale body glistening from head to toe, under the water. The shampoo that perfectly contrasted the long dark strands cascading down the crease of his back. And those hypnotic red eyes gleaming at him through the steady mist morphing over his form. Those eyes, wide in shock. Probably too surprised to think to even cover himself.

Barret didn't know how long it took him to finally run out in a panic, but it wasn't soon enough. He sat at the bar, trying to drink that image out of his head. Why the hell was it still there? Vincent was a guy. He shouldn't be thinking of him this way. It wasn't… right. But damn, he was pretty. He didn't typically go for the dark goth types, but there was no denying that gunman was so much prettier than any woman he'd ever seen. The long slender legs, so perfctly exentuating that tight little ass. Who cared that the man couldn't get a tan to save his life… it worked. And there really wasn't a single strand of hair on his entire body. Barret was starting to see why Cid liked him so much. Most of the things he'd thought were so creepy before, just seemed so appealing. The way those red eyes shone, and his long raven hair, which would have probably been beautiful on a woman, were simply enchanting on him.

Barret's face darkened about two shades at the realization that his pants were tightening. He raked his hands across his face. What the hell was he doing? He couldn't think like this. Not just for the denial of his homosexuality, but Vincent was married to Cid. It was wrong for him to think this kinda stuff.

"Barret, you ok?" He looked up, sharply at hearing Tifa's voice.

"Uh y-y-yea." His face reddened, but thankfully it wasn't too noticable. He cleared his throat. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" She leaned over the bar. "You look kinda strained."

"I said I'm fine." He didn't mean to snap, but he'd never been a very patient man. Especially not under these so called 'strains'.

Tifa stood up straight, a small frown crossing her lips. "Alright, fine." She started back to attend some customers.

Barret was well aware that there were eyes on him. Including those piercing blue ones boring straight into him. He turned his attention back to his drink, chugging it down. Dammit, Cid, stop staring.

Finally the pilot's eyes left him, causing him to settle down a bit.

"Hey, Vince."

Oh shit.

Vincent caught a quick glimpse of the gun-armed man, trying desperately not to look at him. A small red tint found is cheeks. Instead, he smiled heading over to his husband. "Cid, hon. When are you going to get around to fixing that lock?"

Barret spurted in his cup, glancing over at them. Cid shrugged, pulling Vincent down in his lap, and kissed him. "I'll get to it."

"Yea right." Their lips met again, Vincent sliding his arms around the pilot's neck.

Barret felt his stomach burn, with what he hoped wasn't jealousy. A brief thought crossing his mind – wondering how Vincent's lips tasted. Usually he couldn't stand to see them kiss, but this time he couldn't tear his eyes away. Just to see them smiling at each other. The way their lips meshed together. Tracing their fingers through ones another's hair, made that fire burn hotter. Finally he slammed his mug onto the bar, breaking off the handle, and took off upstairs.

Tifa scratched her head. "What the heck is wrong with him?"

Vincent sighed. "Who the hell knows."

xXx

Barret paced his room, trying to ignore the impending erection. He still didn't understand why he was reacting like this. Especially since Vincent didn't seem bothered by this in the least. He'd seen him full frontal. Naked as a fuckin jay-bird, and his skin barely even flushed. What the hell was wrong with him?

Moments later, there was a gentle knock at the door.

"Get lost!"

"It's Vincent."

Fuck! It's Vincent. "Wh-what is it?"

"Tifa sent me up to talk to you. Can I come in?"

"Uh." Barret looked down at the bulge in his pants. "No ya can't. I'm uh… ya can't."

He heard Vincent sigh, a small weight falling against the door. "Look, Barret, if this is about what happened earlier. Don't worry about it."

Barret cleared his throat. Easy for him to say. He didn't see a fucking god soaking wet in the shower. "Yea… sorry about that. I didn't know you were in there."

"I said, 'don't worry about it.' So what, you say me naked. We're both adults here. We can deal with it."

Barret slumped down on the bed. "So you're uh… not mad?"

"Of course not. What should I be mad about? I was a bit shocked, but not mad. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yet."

"What?"

"Uh. N-nothing. I'm fine. You can go tell Tifa that." He fidgeted awkwardly in his seat on the soft matress.

Vincent just shrugged, pushing off of the door. "If you say so."

xXx

Despite his admitting that he was fine with the situation, Barret didn't come out of his room for the rest of the day, and well into the night. It was a little past one in the mornin, when he finally poked his head out into the hall. The bar was definitely closed, and the others asleep. He started down the hall, and rounded the corner, freezing to see Cid messing with the bathroom door. He had the knob off in little parts on the floor.

"So, he lives." The pilot commented, not even looking up at him. "You sure you're alright." Cid finally turned his attention away from his work. "Not like you ta haul up in your room all day."

Barret blushed scratching his head. "I uh… wasn't feeling good."

"Huh. Alright." Cid continued to disect the small handle. "Vince was yappin my ear off bout fixin this thing. Figured I'd just get it over with." He set his tools aside, starting to rise to his feet, and jabbed a thumb at the door. "You gotta piss, go ahead. I gotta go get something anyway."

Barret watched Cid start down the stairs, and out of his sight. He hadn't thought before about how he was going to get in there, with Cid around, but this solved all problems… sorta. He couldn't quite describe it, but he seemed to need to see Vincent at least one more time. He had to make sure.

The gun-armed man made his way slowly to the room he was sure Vincent was in, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open. The room was dark, for the most part, except for a small lamp on in the opposite corner. His eyes fell directly onto the bed, breath stopping short in his chest at the sight of the gunman's sleeping form, mixed within the covers.

The human hand rested gently next to his head, sinking into the pillow. His neck and collar bone exposed over the top of the blank tank top he was wearing. Barret gulped, his feet carrying themselves up to the edge of the bed. The matress shifted, as he sat down on it, causing Vincent to moan slightly in his sleep.

Barret's hand brushed away a few stray hairs on the side of the pale neck. His fingers lingered slightly, tracing along the soft skin onto the curve of his shoulder. Vincent's eyes twitched, seemingly in pain, adjusting himself on the bed. His lips fell open in a gentle sigh.

Barret bit his lip. He'd never seen this much of his skin. The gentle movements of his breaths revealing more of the slender collar bone. There was just one way to settle this. One kiss and he would know whether or not it's real. No one would have to know right? He gulped, placing his hands on the bed, and leaned forward, over the sleeping form.

Somehow he didn't seem to think that Vincent wouldn't realize that he wasn't alone. On top of being a former Turk, the man was paranoid as hell. But no, he wouldn't wake up… sad to say he did.

Vincent's eyes grew wide at the sight of Barret, of all people, so close to him. He sat up, backing into the bed-frame. "Wh-what the hell are you doing here!?"

Barret froze. He didn't know what to say. Finally he decided, mainly from panic, that the truth was the best policy. The large man grabbed Vincent's shoulders, holding him against the bed-frame. "I need to know something."

Vincent grabbed Barret's arms, feeling his own panic growing.

"One kiss. That's all I need."

"What!?" He tried to pry the hands off of his arm, but they wouldn't budge.

"I know how this sounds, but I have to know. I need to know that I'm straight. I can't make it as a faggot."

If the gunman hadn't still been a bit freaked from the situation, and the fact that he was shaking him, he would've busted his head open from that comment. Before he knew what'd happened a pair of terrifyingly unfamiliar lips came crashing down on his. What was mobile of Vincent's arms flayed. He would've screamed, if he wasn't afraid of opening his mouth. Even the demons screached, threatening to rip him to shreds.

Barret pulled back staring into the slightly twitching crimson eyes. He looked down, a grin spreading on his face. "I-I'm not hard." He smiled back up at Vincent, completely ignoring that he'd probably just tramatized the already mentally unstable man, shaking him a little. "I'm not hard. I don't want you."

Vincent failed to force a smile. "Good… now get out."

Barret's grin just widened. "Gladly." He stood up, just as Cid came in. A blonde brow furrowed at the two of them. "Er… what's goin on?"

"Nothin at all, Cid." Barret leapt over to him, clapping his hands on his shoulders. "Well, I'm goin ta bed. You two have fun." With that the big burly man nearly skipped out of the room.

Cid just watched him, shutting the door behind him. He scratched his head turning back to Vincent, who hadn't seemed to move (or put his hands down) since he came in. "Vince? What just happened?"

"I don't fucking know."

Cid cocked his head at him. It wasn't like Vincent to swear like that. He made his way over, taking one of the mid-airborn hands. "You ok, baby?"

Vincent shook his head together. "I think so, but you have to do me a favor."

"What is it?"

"I have this really bad taste in my mouth, and I need you to get it out before it makes me sick."

Cid grinned. "Alright." His fingers laced through Vincent's hair, pulling the head closer to envelope him in a kiss. Vincent seemed to relax against this kiss, pulling Cid closer. Soon the pilot drew back. "Ew, that is kinda gross. What the hell is it?"

Vincent cringed. "I wish I didn't know."

_--_

_AN: crack fic crack fic lala-lalala la-la *dancesincircles*  
_

_(sunstroke-art on DA took one of my plot bunnies for ransom... or sumthin. then it started to scare her and she gave it back.. i didn't want to write it but it was too amusing for me to let go... plus the damn thing wouldn't stop biting at my toes)_

i mentioned when i wrote 'glimpse' that i was mulling over about Barret's sexual orientation... this is whut i meant. Barret officially lost his mind, and i stuck in some Valenwind luvin as a counter-balance


End file.
